The Fearful Avoidant

Begin Transmission: 7/26/25 7:54pm

1 Hour Self Love Art Therapy Session

This is a self portrait of me. I took one hour and let my eyes follow the contours of my body allowing my hand to trace lines onto the paper in front of me. Each line creates a figure that somewhat resembles me. The goal was to just sketch and not focus on perfection or the outcome of the artwork.

Hey, I’m Lee. I have a colorful past with a lengthy mental health rap sheet to make the strongest person beg to leave this planet. But I don’t want to have to redo my story. The one thing I’ve sought my entire life is love. To love and be loved. To be held and cherished. I chased it. Fantasized about it. And put love on a pedestal because once I found that one special person, my life would be complete. 

I found many loves. Many that filled me up and that accepted my love as I poured back into them. But eventually that love faded. I ran out of love. My bucket was empty and so was theirs. I was left with an emptiness inside and a partner that no matter what they did, couldn’t fill me back up. My heart was full of holes that no amount of anyone else’s love could fill it up. The love would drain out and I would run. I would feel like too much and I would flee that relationship in search for a new one with more love to fill me up. A never ending cycle of binge eating love. And it was never enough. 

I recently learned that I acquired a fearful avoidant personality type and I’m ready to trade it for secure attachment. 

This is the cycle I’ve been engaging in for my entire life. I crave love, so I search it out. Once I set my sites on someone, I lock in. I know what I need to do to get them to fall for me. Then I get them locked in on me. Tactful… yup. I know how to play the game. And the game is great fun until it’s not. All the feels are there for the person. I feel like I can show up. I feel like they might be the one. Then something shifts. My insides get all crunchy and I don’t feel like I can truly show who I am to my partner. My needs feel neglected as I pour more of myself into the other person and completely neglect myself. Instead of communicating what I am feeling or need, I get scared and I run. I feel I can’t ask for my needs to be met, because I’m afraid of being rejected or yelled at. That stems from the people who were in my household growing up. The ones who trained me into this attachment style. 

People were never proven safe. And even when I was with a partner who was safe, I didn’t feel safe enough to be myself. 

So here I am, post marriage #3. I married who I thought was my twin flame. A woman who was contracted to wake me up. Her energy and spiritual knowledge mixed with cocktails of plant medicine caused a spontaneous kundalini awakening a few years ago. What came out of that experimentation was a newly awakened soul and a mind spiraling into psychosis as it was downloading records from the heavens about the mission I just stepped into on this planet. 

I was a superhero in my mind. I wanted to be that hero in real life. The image I got from past lives I was able to witness was not a hero, but a villain. A tyrannical ruler who led out of fear. There’s a set of rules that she constructed as her castle. I have lived in her Mind Castle my entire life. The castle was constructed of rules that one could never uphold. And with its attempt, horrendous shame was experienced as those standards couldn’t be kept. 

The ruler prompted all of its subjects to join in a chorus of shaming. That shaming was directed at myself. And since those ridiculers lived inside me, I couldn’t escape their constant correction. I couldn’t escape the villain because I can’t run from myself. I have been my own worst enemy for far too long. Eventually, the constant shaming led to complete self uttered hatred.  

That self-inflicted hatred coupled with my ex-wife’s ability to just love herself unconditionally challenged my heart chakra. She mirrored me in every way that I wasn’t. She showed me she could stand tall and love herself no matter what was going on around her. She was safe to feel her feels. And she would feel them however long she needed to until they processed out. 

That’s the energy of a woman who showed me how much I hate myself. And it caused one of the voices in my head to throw words of hate her way. They would whisper when I was with her, “I hate you.” The words bouncing endlessly like an echo off the caverns of those castle halls that built my mind. 

The words would sinisterly surround me as I stood frozen as their poison dripped into my heart. My body frozen and my mind racing, I fought those voices, screaming, “No! I love her!”

I stood in that stony corridor with the words “love” and “hate” thrown back and forth. The words stopped holding meaning. They were just words. Empty words as empty as that hallway I stood in.

The lesson I was learning was that the people around me mirror me. This was the example I was given to drive the lesson home: deep down those words were always directed towards me. I hated myself because I was self abandoning to serve the woman I loved. I wanted to make her life easier so she could meet my needs too. If I served her hard enough she could meet all my needs. That was an impossible demand.

She couldn’t meet me where I was at. She couldn’t fill me up. So I isolated myself and closed all the shutters in my mind and heart. I locked myself in the Mind Castle with my worst enemies. I stopped showing up in the world the way I was meant to. The voices would slink past me, “Look she doesn’t want you. Hide. Hide…hide.” Hide I did. She couldn’t know what I was feeling or going through. It would only make her leave me. 

The relationship ended anyway. She told me at the end, “I have nothing left to give.” 

I heard, “You are too much.” 

So I did what I do best… I ran. She couldn’t leave me if I left first.  

Here I am at the beginning of the next cycle. The war is over and I’m picking up my broken pieces. Learning about the self-diagnosed fearful avoidant attachment style. And building my life how I always imagined it would be. And filling my own love bucket utilizing art as a source of enjoyment. 

I got a creative bug and put pieces together about this newfound path that I am on. Holistic Art Therapy. I took some steamy-ish pictures for a reference photo so I could draw. Drawing is what I’ve always been passionate about. Well… that and music. I used to be a pretty great artist. I still am, I’m just a wee bit rusty at sketching. There’s a huge difference in my artistic abilities pre-awakening vs now. 

We all have to start somewhere. So I took a deep breath and just started. I drew a grid on my sketch page and then set a timer for an hour. I had an hour to draw everything that I saw. As best I could. The goal was to take in as much of my raw beauty and get her onto a page. It wasn’t about perfection. Heaven knows, I’m not perfect. But one thing I am is diligent. 

This is what I learned as I drew:

I always fell in love with the women I drew. The women I saw. The women I was with. I admired each of them for what they represented within me. We are all mirrors to each other. Things get hard in relationships when I no longer like who or what is staring back at me. What I’ve learned about myself is exactly what I’m going to use to put myself back together. I’ll keep drawing myself until I can see myself clearly. Maybe then I’ll find love for myself like I have for the women I have drawn and come to love over the years. 

If no one else can fill up my leaky heart bucket. And if holding on too tightly to someone out of fear of rejection or abandonment means that they slip away anyway, then it’s time I open up to love. 

There’s a never ending faucet of love that exists deep beneath the Mind Castle in the caverns of my broken heart chakra. All I have to do is turn it on. The superhero that accompanies me on all my adventures said the love will turn my broken heart into a watering pail for everyone around me and I’ll never be empty myself. There will always be enough. I’ve done some adventuring inside me and I think I finally found the faucet. It’s all gunked up with trauma and fear. Caked like petrified oil on the bottom of a 20 year old engine. 

My mission now that I found the Source… operation Self Love.

End Transmission 8:19pm 96% battery